And the winner for the most obvious blog
post imaginable goes to… me!
Okay, so unless you’ve been living an
Internet-free existence for the last six moths, this choice should come as no
surprise. Fantastic Four made it onto every single “Worst of 2015” list I’ve
seen this month. Not only was it a terrible superhero movie, it was far worse
than both Fantastic Four (2005) and the inexplicably titled 4: Rise of the
Silver Surfer (2007) — two movies that I prefer to call abominations.
But why
was it such a bad movie? This is one of the rare films that even hardcore
comic book movie lovers might have skipped. And after the slough of scathing
reviews following the release, they can be forgiven —even director Josh Trank
famously disowned the film via Twitter. But I couldn’t have forgiven myself if
I didn’t at least try to get through this film. And, you know what? I was kind
of surprised by what I saw.
Fant4stic is not entirely unwatchable. It’s
dreadful, don’t get me wrong, but it’s not so bad that I had to stop watching
entirely (*ahem* Transformers 4). Because my expectations were lowered so
dramatically, I was almost pleasantly surprised that I could get through the
movie in a single run. That being said, there is no excuse for a superhero film
this bad. I’ve seen Chronicle, Josh Trank’s sci-fi found footage film, and it
was a very enjoyable movie — one of the best found-footage films I’ve seen,
which isn’t the biggest compliment, I know. And Fant4stic is no Chronicle. Unfortunately,
I can’t tell you why it went wrong, only what went wrong. Here are the four
biggest problems with Fant4stic.
1. IT’S DULL AS DISHWATER
Muted tones, serious dialogue, and grim
settings (pun intended) are great and all. The Dark Knight had all three. But
if your story has no momentum, no drama, no character development to speak of,
it’s not going to work. The main characters are apparently working on the
greatest discovery of mankind and it never feels like an amazing experience.
There is no sense of awe, of wonder, of excitement. The story just kind of
chugs along with bland dialogue, bland settings, and bland characters. Oh, and
the greatest discovery of mankind, an alternate dimension that exists just
beyond our ability to see, is also incredibly bland. Think of the moment
Matthew McConaughey enters the wormhole in Interstellar. It’s the exact
opposite of that. The two previous Fantastic Four films were cheesy as hell,
yes, but at least they were somewhat entertaining.
2. THE PACING
Many reviews of Fant4stic mention the
immense amount of setup, and it’s true, 90% of the film is about setting up
these characters so that we can see them gain their powers. Then the set up
continues! I waited 90 minutes for a 5-minute fight sequence with Doom. And the
heroes (if you can call them that) don't discover their abilities. They just suddenly have them after their experiment goes wrong. This might be a
small detail to gripe about, but imagine how much more dramatic it would be if
you gradually realize your body can stretch or that your body is catching fire
and you can’t control it. In a film riddled with missed opportunities, this is
just one of them.
3. DOOM IS DISPOSABLE
There’s been controversy over this
character from the very beginning. First, his name wasn’t Victor Von Doom and
fanboys complained. So, they changed it back. Then, a photo of Doom on set
leaked onto the Internet and, well, he looked awful. Look, I am a comic book fan
but I am no fanboy. I don’t care if his name is Victor Von Doom or not. I don’t
care if he’s a computer hacker or the ruler of a foreign country. All I care
about is seeing an interesting character on screen who’s portrayed well, makes
sense, has a purpose and represents a real threat to the protagonists. Only
that last box was checked.
I like Toby Kebbell. I thought he was
excellent in Black Mirror and I think he could have been an interesting Dr.
Doom if the script allowed. But instead he’s just a dick. He’s a self-righteous,
self-important, quasi-intellectual dick who thinks that world leaders will
exploit the alternate dimension for resources just like they’ve exploited our
world. What’s his solution? Destroy the world! Makes a lot of sense, I know. Also,
where did he get his cape!?
It’s not like the heroes were characterized
well either. Sue Storm likes music and looking for patterns. Why does she
mention this? Because she’ll listen to music and look for a pattern at some
convenient point in the film. Johnny Storm, her brother, likes cars… Yep,
that’s his entire character. Ben Grimm had potential to be interesting — he
comes from a poor family and is basically roped into the experiment by his best
friend, Reed Richards. We’re meant to feel for Ben and Reed when, after their
transformations, their friendship falls apart. Nope. I feel nothing. I was
literally numb through the entire film.
4. IT ISN’T MARVEL
Of course, this would be true even if the
film turned out well. But I think a big reason why this film didn’t work is
because the talent behind Marvel’s Cinematic Universe wasn’t guiding this story
from the start. Like X-Men, the film rights for Fantastic Four are owned by 20th
Century Fox (There were even talks of a possible crossover had Fant4stic
actually delivered). These rights are meant to eventually revert back to Marvel
if Fox doesn’t produce a film within a given amount of time.
All I have to say to Fox is that the Fantastic
Four was Stan Lee's first big success. Had he not created them, X-Men, Spider-Man,
Iron Man, the Hulk, all might not exist today. The guy is 93 years old. 93.
Years. Old. You had three chances to get it right and you failed miserably every
time. Now, unless he has super powers, he’ll very likely die before he sees a
good Fantastic Four movie. Shame on you, Fox! Bad Fox! Bad!
